I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
