He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
