Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
