I could have mohawked her pubes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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