walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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