It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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