Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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