It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
