what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
