He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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