Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
