You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Pooping to opera.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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