Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
