were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
