I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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