she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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