I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
