It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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