apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if only i could text you this smell
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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