I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Boobs are out for the taking
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
