You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
