Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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