I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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