Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Who died my cat blue again?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
