I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
