Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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