omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
