sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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