I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I am one with the molecules
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
