im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
