oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
