I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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