I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
