Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
