The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize