the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
