but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Bring me that man meat
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
