dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
