winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
