I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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