I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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