dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
