question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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