i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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