recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
