yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
