P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
