Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
