You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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