We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
