Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
