I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
