Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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