News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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