I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
