If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
