I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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