Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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