watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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