smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
