DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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