My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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