when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
