I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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