wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
