I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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