Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Everclear isn't food dammit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
