I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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