I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
