I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize