Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
