Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
