If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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